disheveled

a disheveled library-gal comes clean

Sunday, January 29, 2006

wet dream

No no no -- not that kind of wet dream! get your mind out of the gutter!

My sister and I talk about the dream where you really really really have to go to the bathroom, but you can't find a ladies room anywhere, or, you find the ladies room, and like the toilet is overflowing, or its in a huge room with a thousand people staring at you, or something is happening to the toilet or bathroom so that you just can't go. And then finally you wake up, and you realize you really gotta pee.

I've had these kind of dreams for years. I'm a pro at the absurd ways to dream about a bathroom being unavailable. But Never had I had one so freakin' bizarre, as the one I had the other night.

Here's the setup: I'm in a kind of jungle/forest/make-believe land, and for some reason I reach up both hands and stretch them up way over my head to try and reach a tree branch. I'm thinking I'm going to swing from the branch. So I reach and stretch, and my fingertips just barely reach the branch. Then, finally, they grip the branch, and my hands are holding on tight, but my toes are kinda dangling 'cause its all too damn high for me.

All of a sudden, these ugly birds swoop down, and crap on my hands. They are like a mix between pigeons and seagulls, and the poo is this awful sticky white/gray goop, and it gets all over my hands.

So I fall to the forest floor, completely freaking out, with my hands held in front of me like a surgeon whose just scrubbed and is waiting for the latex gloves -- you know, like elbows bent, and palms facing your face. And I'm dying to get to a bathroom to wash all this bird poo off my hands before it all drips down my arms and gets into my shirt sleeves.

I run into a building (I know, I was just in a forest, now I'm in a building, but this happens in dreams, doesn't it?) and the hallway is like the building where the Rainbow Room is in NYC -- its wide and marble and really long. A security guard tells me where the ladies room is, and I'm running down endless hallways, up 2 steps, down 3 steps, over, diagonal, around and about, and then finally I find the ladies room. But - to get in it, you have to punch in a code into this old fashioned cash register and turn a wheel like a vault safe. But my hands are covered in crap, so I can't touch anything, and I'm standing there in misery like an idiot. And the crap is drippy and oozing and smells just disgusting.

So I turn, and this flat screen tv tells me theres another bathroom on another level. So I'm running again - up stairs, down halls, around bends, echoing footsteps in this crazy marbled place, when I finally get to the next bathroom. But for this bathroom, in order to open the door you have to place your hand on one of those hand-scanner things you see in the movies -- like, the kind of thing where its like a blue piece of glass, and you lay your hand on it, and this red beam reads your handprint and opens a sliding door for you. But, I can't put my hand on the thing, because my hands are covered in shit. (Which, of course, has multiplied by now, and is getting worse by the minute.)

I am so frustrated I am ready to scream!! And I really really really need to wash my hands! It's at this point, thankfully, I wake up, and realize I've got to pee in the worst way. It's like an "I don't care what kind of head rush I'm gonna get from sitting up too fast" kind of urgency -- so I slam myself awake, run through the doorway banging my body left and right and left down the hall till I get to the toilet, where I collapse, and laugh at myself for having such a ridiculous pee dream. Bird crap!?

This is definately a new one! ... Bird crap!?

Monday, January 23, 2006

something old something new

old/new: the same guy still stands outside the planned parenthood EVERY day. He stands there with a big coat, hat, gloves,and a scarf wrapped tightly over every inch of his face, save for his beaddy eyes. One of these days I'm gonna run him over.

old/new: my hair was "fixed" and yet is still a dudley moore doo. No amount of product can help me. wet, dry, damp, blown out, it still looks like crap.

new: i sat on the parkway last friday night with my car OFF for almost an hour due to a major car accident. Today, I read in the paper that it was a guy who hit the left side guard-rail, then flipped over 4 times, landing in the far right lane. Now, what truly is pathetic/miraculous about this accident, is that the idiot only broke his arm. I'm not sure if I should feel happy for this guy that he walked away from that pretty much unscathed, or annoyed that I wasted an hour sitting there when it was just a broken arm. Not that I wish anyone ill, but _____

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

wake me up before you go-go

Open casket wakes are not a good idea. In my relatively short life I've now been to 5 -- 3 were older men (50's-60's), 1 was a young man, and 1 was a young woman. All were just plain awful.

The first one I saw was so horribly done, I swear I could see the stitches keeping his eyes and mouth closed. It was so bad the widow of the deceased asked me if I was ok. I seriously was not. It was like some kind of horror movie done is scent-o-vision; the flowers overbore almost all your senses and the horrifying thing inside the casket was so awfully done it was like a train wreck - you had to stare.

And there really is no need for this -is there? I'm not one to throw stones at others religious beliefs, but what is the reason for the open casket thing? The person is gone. Their spirit has left their body and is heading for who-knows-where. This vessel, that people are so hell bent on looking at, is dead. It's not a real person At All. And all it does is lead to bad behavior.

Case-in-point: the young man whose wake we attended died by 'accidentally shooting himself' - well, that's what the family had to say, because should his death be marked a suicide, he could not be buried as the religion he was. And that, if I may side-bar, is a real shame. Why lie? He put the gun in his mouth, pulled the trigger, and is now dead -- And the church would ban him for that? In reality, the church should take some (just a little) responsibility in this -- someone somewhere obviously failed to provide him with the support he desperately needed to stay alive in the first place. So now they have failed him not once, but twice, and now his family has to lie about his death so that he can still be buried as a whatever. Hrumpf. SO- back to bad behavior -- this man shoots himself, and everyone at the wake knows this, and so everyone who goes to 'pay respect' to him stares awfully long and un-ashamedly at his perfectly put together head looking for the exit wound. Just awful. Terrible. There was none, by the way. I looked.

The other wakes were similar -- people filling past, trying not to look, but looking anyway, and gawking at the horror of the terribly done make-up, the all-too-thick bronzer, the mementos lining the casket, and the truly bloated and disfigured hands resting on this poor dead body. It's really really awful and something I hope to never have to go through again.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

wood you please

Maybe its just me, but I find that when people start out like this, it only gets worse. I'm sitting at the reference desk, and a man walks in and says
'Hi'
'Hi, Can I help you?'
'Ah, yes, maybe you could help me. You see, I have this question, and I think perhaps you might know the answer, but I'm really not sure, so,..'
'Well, I'd be happy to help -- What's the question?'
'I just got back from Home Depot,
and they couldn't help me,
and they said to maybe check out my local library,
so I came over here,
but I've never been here before, ...'
'....'
'this is the right place, right?'
'Yes. This is the library, and this is the reference desk. What's your question.'
ps- in my head, and this point, I am screaming WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ALREADY, but outside I am smiling patiently like an imbecile. I think my own sanity is diminishing with every umm and ahhh this guy mumbles.
Finally -- 'Do you have books on logs?'
!!??!!
'Logs?'
'Yes, logs. Like, types of logs, different kinds of logs, and like, how they burn.'
OK. Now I'm looking around for the hidden camera. Is this for real, or am I on some kind of Worlds Stupidest Questions show?
'Ahh, I'm not sure I understand your question... You need information on burning logs?'
'Yes. I have a fireplace, and I want to burn the best logs available, that produce the least amount of pollution, because I believe in the environment, and I heard that some logs are better than others... and I have a baby, and I don't want to have bad fumes in the house.'
This last part is actually a summation of my poking and prodding him some more until he finally laid it all out. In the end, I think even he thought he was being a tad ridiculous. I got him some books on fireplaces and how to chop wood, and he was very happy.
Deep breath in, Deep breath out. Onto the next question!!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

its a dud

Remember that episode of Friends when Phoebe gave Monica the haircut? And Monica starts yelling that she wanted the Demi Moore haircut, not the Dudley Moore hair? Well, I think I have the Dudley Moore hair. I hate to admit it, but its true. And I love my hair guy, but this last one is a dud - Plain and simple - its just awful. What do I do? Its in such a cock-a-may-mee state, that really all I could do is either 1.) grow it out, which will take months of the Dudley hair, or 2.) chop it all off, which I've done before, but I just don't know how I feel about that just now. Ever since my 2nd child was born, my hair has been different. Its thinner than it was, and actually, I think on the top its really thinned out a bit too much. So if I shave my head and cut my hair really truly short, will the thin stuff on top look just awful? Or is this Dudley hair so bad, that even a short thinning doo would be better than this? And how do I go about making an appointment with my hair guy to cut off all my hair when I was just there right before Christmas? What do I tell him? Gee, I know I usually only see you every 5 months or so, but I thought I'd come back for a 4 week check-up? And by the way, can you cut off all that ugly layered crap you gave me last time that you said would be a free and easy no-fuss way to have my hair, 'cause its g-d awful and makes me hate even touching it, let alone looking at it? I can't leave this guy, either -- I know you're thinking that -- just go to someone else! But I can't! This was just one mistake! All the other times I've been to him I've always loved what he's done. Well, maybe the last time I hated that one too, .. but it grew in nicely, and then after a month or so I liked it!!

h2o today = 40 oz!
and I've eaten breakfast 2 days in a row now :)

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

back to work

So I went back to work today after a week+ off. It was just ok -- lots of new projects to start, lots of small things to tidy up from last year. It's not bad. I did the water thing today and got down 32oz., which was ok, except for the 1/2-hourly trips to the ladies. I also celebrated the return to traffic jams on the way home with what I hope to be my last cigarette. The pack is now empty, so that's that!

Monday, January 02, 2006

hair we are

'your son has the most beautiful long hair'
'thank you'
'i thought he was a girl'
'well, ...he's not. obviously'
'so when are you going to cut his hair?'
'i don't know'
'its really long for a boy. how old is he? 2?'
'no, he's 3, and yes, it is long'
'so are you going to cut it?'
'right now? no.'
'some people might think he's a girl'
'i'm really fine with that, and i don't think he thinks about it too much. in fact, i don't ever think much about what other people may or may not think about my toddlers hair'
'he'll have to start school, though, so then you'll have to cut it'
'really. i had no idea that was a requirement of enrollment in school'
'he may have a problem and think he's a girl'
'well, he's in school now, and i think he's doing just fine. he only plays with cars and trucks and other boy-ish things. his long curly beautiful hair has not led him to choose barbies over trucks, and if for some reason, hair or other-wise, he did choose to play with dolls, i wouldn't care.'
'well, maybe you should put it into a ponytail'
'yeah, like thats not girly. sure. i'll get right on it'
'eventually, you realize it Must Be Cut'
'yes? does it really? perhaps not. perhaps because of your rudeness and idiocy i will never, not once, cut his hair. and then what? will he be shunned? will he fail? will he be confused for the rest of his days on his gender?'
'well, he'll have a hard time'
'a ha... hmm.. ok.. i'll take that under advisement'

Of course, this exact conversation never happened. But I do go through similar ones like this every once in so often, and in my head, I am answering back with all the obnoxiousness and stupidity of the subject itself. People need to relax a bit with the parental advice. Its not asked for, its not necessary, its not appreciated. My son has long hair. My 3 year old little boy has long beautiful gold curls. Hurrah!

h2o count = 16 oz. give me a break. its my 1st day.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

breaking it down

I don't think its possible to just say "I'm gonna lose some weight," and then like Voila - you lose weight. I think, as with most things, you have to break it down into smaller steps. So. Here are all the things I must do in order to trim the fat:

1. drink more water. current drinks of h2o per day = zero. not good.
2. exercise more. current exercise regime = pushing my son in his stroller approx .75 miles, when I get the chance., ie, when its not too cold, or I'm not too tired, or ...you get the idea. not good.
3. eat breakfast. current first meal of the day = lunch. not good.
4. stop smoking. current intake of smokes = 4 to 5 per week. not bad, but not good either.
5.get more rest. current hours per night sleeping = 5? 6? ...4? not sure. not good.
6. eat better food. current per week trips to fast food = 1 to 2. not good.
7. have more fiber. current idea of what the hell fiber is = ziltch. no idea. not good.

OK. That said, here's what I'll work on:
1st I'll try the water thing. I hate water. It's either too cold, so it hurts your teeth, or its too warm, and it tastes disgusting. And it makes you pee too much. I'm not into the whole 10 glasses a day thing, either. I have to work up to that. So - starting tomorrow -- I'll get in at least 3 glasses of water a day. I know that sounds ridiculous, but to me, thats a huge milestone -- Remember, I hate water. So - think good thoughts, and bare with me -- its gonna be a long haul!

new year

So I have broken the most basic of all blogging rules -- write often! I am a blog writing drop out, I know. Its just horrible. Well, since its a new year and all -- here's my resolution -- to write more, no matter how stupid or irrelevant I think my thoughts are. That's really the crux to the whole to write or not to write issue -- it's simply - what's interesting? And sometimes (a lot of times) nothings all that special. But here's what I'll do -- I'll write lists of things I need/want to write about, and then on a slow day I'll tell you about them:
weight loss resolutions
job interviewing
travel arangements
songs to sing to in the car
lice (!)
drive-by alcohol drop off
mis-spellings
open-casket wakes

Ok - so right now, those are all the topics I can think of that have crossed my mind recently -- and I think I've done enough for today -- so Stay Tuned... There Will Be More Tomorrow :)