wet dream

No no no -- not that kind of wet dream! get your mind out of the gutter!

My sister and I talk about the dream where you really really really have to go to the bathroom, but you can't find a ladies room anywhere, or, you find the ladies room, and like the toilet is overflowing, or its in a huge room with a thousand people staring at you, or something is happening to the toilet or bathroom so that you just can't go. And then finally you wake up, and you realize you really gotta pee.

I've had these kind of dreams for years. I'm a pro at the absurd ways to dream about a bathroom being unavailable. But Never had I had one so freakin' bizarre, as the one I had the other night.

Here's the setup: I'm in a kind of jungle/forest/make-believe land, and for some reason I reach up both hands and stretch them up way over my head to try and reach a tree branch. I'm thinking I'm going to swing from the branch. So I reach and stretch, and my fingertips just barely reach the branch. Then, finally, they grip the branch, and my hands are holding on tight, but my toes are kinda dangling 'cause its all too damn high for me.

All of a sudden, these ugly birds swoop down, and crap on my hands. They are like a mix between pigeons and seagulls, and the poo is this awful sticky white/gray goop, and it gets all over my hands.

So I fall to the forest floor, completely freaking out, with my hands held in front of me like a surgeon whose just scrubbed and is waiting for the latex gloves -- you know, like elbows bent, and palms facing your face. And I'm dying to get to a bathroom to wash all this bird poo off my hands before it all drips down my arms and gets into my shirt sleeves.

I run into a building (I know, I was just in a forest, now I'm in a building, but this happens in dreams, doesn't it?) and the hallway is like the building where the Rainbow Room is in NYC -- its wide and marble and really long. A security guard tells me where the ladies room is, and I'm running down endless hallways, up 2 steps, down 3 steps, over, diagonal, around and about, and then finally I find the ladies room. But - to get in it, you have to punch in a code into this old fashioned cash register and turn a wheel like a vault safe. But my hands are covered in crap, so I can't touch anything, and I'm standing there in misery like an idiot. And the crap is drippy and oozing and smells just disgusting.

So I turn, and this flat screen tv tells me theres another bathroom on another level. So I'm running again - up stairs, down halls, around bends, echoing footsteps in this crazy marbled place, when I finally get to the next bathroom. But for this bathroom, in order to open the door you have to place your hand on one of those hand-scanner things you see in the movies -- like, the kind of thing where its like a blue piece of glass, and you lay your hand on it, and this red beam reads your handprint and opens a sliding door for you. But, I can't put my hand on the thing, because my hands are covered in shit. (Which, of course, has multiplied by now, and is getting worse by the minute.)

I am so frustrated I am ready to scream!! And I really really really need to wash my hands! It's at this point, thankfully, I wake up, and realize I've got to pee in the worst way. It's like an "I don't care what kind of head rush I'm gonna get from sitting up too fast" kind of urgency -- so I slam myself awake, run through the doorway banging my body left and right and left down the hall till I get to the toilet, where I collapse, and laugh at myself for having such a ridiculous pee dream. Bird crap!?

This is definately a new one! ... Bird crap!?