foolish me

2006 is right around the corner, and already I have meetings planned, things to do, time to spend -- so I get out my brand-y new calendar, and start writing things in. Foolish me - I am still doing things today that I started years ago as a superstitious pre-teen. It sounds so crazy to admit, but I write people's birthdays in my book in pencil only. Never pen. Why? Because you shouldn't plan for something to happen, like a birthday, because you may not make it to your next one. So here I am, penciling in birthdays of all my family members, wondering -- will they make it? Who knows. It makes me sit and reflect -- what if they didn't? What if, g-d forbid, something happens, and they are not here to pass another year? Would I then erase the penciling in of their birthday? Of course not. -- it's not like the pencil mark will get erased, should the person not be here. Its just that the writing of the date, in pencil, an erasable non-permanent medium, symbolizes my belief that you just never know. You can't plan. You can never know for certain. And no matter how many times I run all this ridiculousness through my head, I will never get myself to switch to a pen. And its scary, really. I even wrote my kids birthdays in pencil, and shuddered as I did so. Will they make it to 9 and 4? What the hell is my problem? Do other people think this way, or am I just nuts. Pathetic, more like it. Maybe this is another "trust issue" -- I've been told I have these -- but I can't find the correlation. Anyway, -- foolish me - my superstition has got the better of me, again.